Ultimatum?

An ultimatum is a demand, not a request from another person to do as they say or it will result in retaliation. That is truly a harsh way of phrasing it, but we must be clear and realistic on its meaning, its implications and consequences. We experience ultimatums or demands on a daily basis and may not realize it. For example, a baby wanting to be held. What happens if that child does not get what they want? Crying or a tantrum may come next.

How about your employer giving a list of projects to complete by the end of the week. You are not happy with a particular project, because the client is very demanding and unhappy with your work. You know if you do not get it done, your may be written up.

What about in relationships...do we give ultimatums or demands to our partners? Yes we do. Those demands may be viewed as intentionally or unintentionally, soft or hard. Typically, we see those demands play out in relationships in different ways. For example, the way a partner wants to be treated, the process of resolving conflict and rules around household chores. You might be thinking, that may not be considered as an ultimatum or demand, but it is. Again, an ultimatum is just a demand, and that demand is either accepted or not. If it is not accepted, then undesirable consequences may occur. But it if is accepted, then a positive consequence may occur. You see where I am going with this?

What happens if a partner is being screamed at or called out their name? The partner is experiencing emotional abuse and disrespect. Should the partner continue to endure that mistreatment or speak up? Yes, this is where the demand or ultimatum comes in. The partner explains that if they are not treated with love, care and respect their will be consequences. Consequences can look like leaving a relationship, ignoring the person or matching their energy. None of these responses sound desirable, but it is what happens in relationships.

My point is, not all demands or ultimatums are considered bad, but necessary to live a happy and healthy life. If you are ever in a situation where you are experiencing disrespect, cheating, yelling, swearing, etc. Talk to your partner about their behavior, how it affects you and discuss what can be done to stop it. Remember to speak up and speak out with love and firmness! You and your families happiness demands on it!

Much love,

Coach Karen J-O

The Peoples' Coach